Will it Spaghettify? [Flash Fiction]

[Originally published February 17, 2017]

Will it spaghettify?

Hey guys! We're here today at the AB6–2 artificial black hole observatory to ask…


We're joined today by black hole architect Dr. Tranzor Heptic to tell us a little bit more about this particular black hole. Thanks for letting us visit, Doctor.

"It's my pleasure! I love your channel. Well as you can see this is a very young black hole, only just recently constructed by my team. We're a safe distance away from the event horizon, so we should be okay, but as we always say in the business…"

You can never be too far!

"Right, safety first. Now, are you ready to throw some stuff in?"

Heck yeah. We've got some freshly cloned human biomass we'll send in first. Then a NAI probe that will hopefully send back some awesome images. Then, we're going to send in some literal spaghetti.

"That's a lot of spaghetti you have there. How much would you say that is? Could it possibly be…"

Ten million and one kilograms!

"Great! Let's go!"

There goes the biomass first. It's approaching now. And there it goes past the visible light horizon! The light reflecting from the surface is being pulled back toward the singularity, so we can't directly observe it on our normal scopes. Good thing we have our handy singularity-compensating superscopes on our probe! Let's send it in!

Wow! Look at that! The advance edge of the biomass blob is extending so far ahead of the main body, it looks like a tentacle! Doctor, how long will it take for the remainder to spaghettify?

"Simulations are a little difficult for a new black hole, but probably around an infinity. It's usually one of the infinities."

Fascinating. Now, are we ready for the main course? Want to do the honors?

"Launch the spaghetti."

Launch the spaghetti! Now as always this spaghetti has been specially treated so it will remain flexible in hard vacuum of space. We want that full noodle action, right Doctor?


"Sorry, I'm reading something unusual. The black hole had a .000001 chance of instability. It looks like the biomass wasn't launched at the correct vector. It's coming back around in our direction."

But if it comes in contact with that spaghetti.

"It's already happened. The signal delay, remember? The biomass has likely already consumed all those carbohydrates and is now approaching our observatory."

Well, that's all for today's episode of WILL IT SPAGHETTIFY!

"Evacuate the observatory!"

Thanks to my patron Gravlor the Enlightened -

"To the escape pods!"

Who pledged at the Quasar level.

"Put down the camera!"

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